When parents divorce
Sometimes parents end up divorcing. The decision to divorce may be joint and the parents can agree on matters together. It may also be that one parent would like to continue and the other would like to divorce. It is up to each parent to decide whether he or she wants to live with the other. One parent's will is enough. Sometimes divorce may be necessary because of major problems such as those affecting the safety of family members.
Divorce often involves a lot of different emotions. Parents can be difficult, irritable, sad, or angry.
Apart from emotions, divorce involves a lot of everyday questions that need to be clarified before every family member can move on in the best way possible. The issues to be examined may include, for example, where each person lives, how money is handled and, above all, how often children and parents meet each other.
Parents can't always work things out with each other. Then you need other adults to help you.
The custodian is an adult who is responsible for the custody of the child in full or together with another custodian. In general, the custodians are the parents of the child or one of them. The custodian is responsible for the child and makes decisions concerning the child and signs the official papers concerning the child.
If the child is in the joint custody of his or her parents, the parents decide together on matters that are important for the child, such as the child's place of residence, day care, school, health care, name, passport and religion. A single parent decides on these matters alone.
No. Adults make decisions regarding the children.
The parents can agree on matters either between themselves or with the help of an outside person, the so-called child supervisor. If it is impossible to reach an agreement, the court judge will make a decision on behalf of the family.
However, adults should always discuss matters concerning the child with the child and take the child's opinions and wishes into account when making decisions.
When a child turns 12, he or she will no longer be transferred against his or her will from one parent to another, even if there is such a decision.
After the divorce, you can live with both parents alternately or with only one parent, and meet with the other parent regularly, but for slightly shorter periods than in alternate residence. It should be clear to all family members which home you are in at any time.
The main thing is that parents take your views into account and enable you to continue your everyday life in matters that matter to you (school, hobbies, friends).
However, you may have only one official residence, even if you live alternately with both your parents. The address of this place of residence determines, for example, the day care centre, local school and health care.
You have the right to maintain relationships that are important to you, even after the parents' divorce.
If the parents cannot agree with each other, the court may confirm your right to meet the parent with whom you do not live. You can express yourself as to what kind of meeting rhythm would be good for you. You should also think about this from the perspective of school and hobbies and consider how to act during holidays and holidays.
Right of access should be good for you. You should be safe and in good spirits when you are with your parents.
Parents are responsible for your support together and according to their abilities even after the divorce.
Child support refers to a financial contribution by which your parent with whom you do not live contributes to the costs of your maintenance.
The maintenance obligation and the amount of maintenance are determined on a case-by-case basis. The assessment is influenced by a variety of factors, but the starting point is the child's individual need for maintenance and the parents' ability to provide maintenance.
Parents' maintenance obligations end when you turn 18.
You have the right to:
- learn that a matter related to you is under consideration
- get information about what it is about
- share your own opinion
- not to say anything
- leave the matter to adults to decide
- get information on how the matter has been decided.
Adults must take your opinion into account, regardless of your age. Before making a decision, they need to hear what you think about the matter. However, adults do not need to make the decision you wish for. But your opinion must be considered. What you think matters.
- Adults need to tell you what is going on, how your opinion is considered and how it can help resolve the issue.
- Clarifying your opinion must not harm your relationship with your parents. Nor should parents put any pressure on you.
- You do not have to choose between your parents or consider which of them would be better.
When help from a court is needed to resolve matters related to divorce
After the divorce, adults may have differences about:
- how money is handled,
- with which parent the child or children live, and
- when the children are allowed to see their other parent.
It is nice if the parents can reach an agreement on these matters by negotiating with each other. However, the divorce may be so difficult or controversial that it has led to a loss of confidence, and the differences have come in the way of agreeing on the child's affairs. A parent may want revenge on, irritate or bully the other parent. The parent may also be afraid for his or her own or the child's safety. Perhaps there has been violence or substance abuse in the family, and one parent is unable to care for his or her children adequately. At worst, one parent is wrongly accused of neglecting or assaulting a child's care.
It is not always a matter of equal disagreement. Then even an equal agreement is not possible, but a referee is needed to blow the game off.
If your parents fail to reach an agreement among themselves on matters related to divorce, they may ask the court judge to rule on your family's matters on their behalf.
The court does not decide which parent is better or worse. The intention is not to go to court to lose or win, but to find out how the child's affairs are arranged after the divorce. The judge will make his or her decision to solve the deadlock between the parents.
The different stages of a trial are described in the video of the Federation of Mother and child homes and shelters What’s a custody dispute? (Youtube) with the English subtitles.
The judge will take your opinion into account, but it is not in a dominant position. The judge should seriously consider the situation as it has been brought to his or her attention and then make a decision according to what he or she considers to be the best solution for all. The judge should begin his or her reasoning by considering what is best for you. It's called the primacy of the child's best interests.
It's important that you will be told what the judge has decided.
And once the judge has made a decision, it must be followed by everyone.
Instead of a trial, your parents can try to discuss and settle matters with each other in mediation negotiations. Parents will then be assisted by other adults with whom your parents can work together to consider the best solution for you after the divorce. Such a negotiation is generally less stressful than a trial and allows for a more peaceful and free discussion of important matters.
Read more about mediation on our website
In some situations, you can share your thoughts directly with the judge. At the meeting with the judge, you can talk freely with each other. If you're a teenager and you want to talk to the judge yourself, you can suggest it yourself.
The judge wishes to hear how you feel about the situation. Therefore, you could think about following questions considering yourself, your family, your school, friends, and hobbies should be considered:
- What is important to you?
- What troubles or frightens you?
- What makes you feel well?
- What do you need now and from now on?
- If you could change something, what would it be?
The judge also will learn of your wishes and thoughts in a report written by social workers. They have visited both homes and talked to you and your parents in peace. This is usually less exciting and stressful than coming to the courthouse.
Although your opinion on matters is asked for, it is never up to you to decide on them. And you don't even have to tell what you think if you don't want to.
When you turn 12, a court decision is usually not enforced if you genuinely and spontaneously object to it.
Still, you should remember that maintaining contact with both parents is usually good, and the right of access is about your right to meet the parent you do not live with.
However, the situation is different if there is concern, fear or threat of violence associated with the meetings. If your experiences of family life and parents are not safe, meetings can also be arranged under supervision of an outside adult. Your safety is the most important thing.
Share your thoughts and experiences with an adult as openly as possible and consider together how to act on the matter. If you wish, you can write a letter and explain to your parents how you feel about the situation and how you hope it will improve.
Read more about custody and meetings on our family matters website .
Published 21.3.2025